Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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