I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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