Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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