How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
