btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
