My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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