just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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