So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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