At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
