wanna go halves on a baby?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
