I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
