if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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