She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
