I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
