I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
