I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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