i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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