planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
