3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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