I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
