the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
