just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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