you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize