when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
