I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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