M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
