Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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