oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize