why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
