Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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