If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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