i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
