Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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