Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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