Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
