what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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