everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
