Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
