1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
