I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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