I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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