I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
