He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
