if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize