I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
