omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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