i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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