I am puke
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you traded sex for a burrito?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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