I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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