The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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