Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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