Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
