Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
