sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
