Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
