Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
