all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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