I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
