Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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