in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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