I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
