so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
