No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize